Best of Me
by stacmmfd
Summary: [Trigger warning! This outright talks about self harm.] Tumblr prompt from 14000romances: Rae and Finn are dating. Rae starts self harming again. Finn blames himself.


I feel like I'm just repeating all this shit over and over (haha) in these dark fics… Kinda sappy at the end…

Title is A Day to Remember song "Best of Me." To be taken as Rae versus her head, not Finn.

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><p>She was distancing herself from him. In the past week she'd been acting different. She was no longer the Rae he knew who was happy, laughing, loud, loving… Now she flinched when he touched her instead of tensing and catching her breath before giving him a sly smile and wink. She smacked his hand away from her leg when he'd put his hand down to write on her. She was quiet, standoffish. She laughed but it was forced. When no one was talking to her he'd noticed she would stare blankly, fixated at a spot on the wall or ceiling. She hadn't unexpectedly dropped by and gone up to his room where they would roll around on the bed and listen to records whilst his parents were at work.<p>

He was concerned.

They'd been together for seven months now and he knew it wasn't because of her period. She was embarrassed when she had to explain that the reason that she couldn't attend one of his football matches was because she of her "mega-period." He'd been grossed out at first but aren't all guys? He'd gotten over it when it meant that they got to relax at her house watching the telly and stuff their faces with chocolate and ice cream. But that already happened this month.

He sorted through his mind of what they've done in the week leading up to it. Had he said something wrong? Was he pushing her too far? Did he do something?

He tried to brush it off but it sat in the back of his mind dwelling. Was she going to break up with him?

The next morning Finn walked to Rae's house knowing her mum and Karim were out, taking a few days to themselves they'd been planning for the past month. Was she going to be happy to see him? Or should he just go home and wait for her to say something?

He was distraught; both at not knowing what was going on with Rae and whether or not he should go to her. Maybe he should just chance it. Him showing up could bring things into the clear and they could go back to how things were before this last week.

He reached her house and nervously knocked on the door but there was no answer. Trying the knob he found the door to be unlocked and walked in.

"Rae?" he called.

Again, no answer.

He made his way up to her bedroom and as he reached the top of the stairs he heard music coming from inside the bathroom. Instead of heading straight in the direction of Rae's bedroom he stopped left. The door was propped open slightly. He knocked against the doorjamb and called her name again.

Why isn't she responding?

"Rae?" he repeated as he pushed the door open.

The sight before him caused him to stop abruptly. Rae was sitting on the side of the bathtub, Walkman headphones in her ears, taking a razor blade across her leg. He saw her press the corner to her thigh and slide it quickly across; the gash white before it filled with blood. She threw her head back in ecstasy; a blissful sigh escaping her mouth before she took her bottom lip between her teeth and smiled serenely, eyes closed. The force behind Finn's push of the door caused it to keep moving, the vibration of the door hitting the wall causing Rae, clad in only her bra and knickers, to look up.

Finn stared at her thighs. He'd seen them multiple times before. When they swam at Chloe's and each time they had sex. He'd memorized the scars, sometimes tracing them as she slept whist his heart broke for her. Now there were new scars, new gashes.

"Finn!" Rae screamed. "No! This isn't what you think."

She stood up quickly, causing her to wince as the blood that had been trickling down the sides of her thighs onto a bin bag she put down to protect the floor changed direction and began running lengthwise towards her feet. Finn was a statue. He didn't move, he didn't speak; he just stared at her legs.

Rae walked to him, now uncaring of the mess she was making, putting her hands on his shoulders. She had thrown the blade behind her into the tub just before.

"Finn… Finn, say something. Talk to me."

Finn's eyes drew to hers slowly; not stopping to admire her breasts like he usually did.

"Finn," she cried, "I'm so sorry. You weren't supposed to see that. I didn't mean for it to happen. I lost control again. I'm sorry!"

He still didn't speak. Rae continued to pet his face, trying to get him out of his stupor.

It was a good minute before Finn, expressionless, took her by the shoulders and gently sat her back down on the tub. She wiped her eyes, watching him curiously.

He turned back to grab the loo paper and wet it in the sink. He kneeled before her and began to gently wipe the blood from her legs. Rae let out a strangled breath and put her hand over her mouth in an attempt to stop her sobbing. But the bleeding wasn't stopping and he had to apply a bit more pressure at some spots where the blood congealed. He grabbed and wet more before paper before gritting his teeth painfully and laying it across the cuts themselves.

Rae didn't make a sound or move when he did. Shouldn't it have hurt? Shouldn't she have flinched?

Finn took Rae's hand and put it atop the paper covering the cuts before standing. He opened the medicine cabinet hiding behind the mirror that protrudes from the wall. He grabbed an antibiotic ointment, a wrap, and gauze and kneeled before her again. He covered the gauze with the ointment because he knew from experience that trying to put it on the cut while still bleeding would just cause it to slide around and not stay on the skin. He took Rae's hand from her leg and gingerly rested it on the tub.

Gritting his teeth again at the sight of the now deep red colour of the paper, he slowly peeled it away from her skin. He tried to dry it before more blood spread but it was useless. The blood continued to flow at a great pace. He applied the gauze over the gashes and firmly wrapped her leg. He'd check it in a half hour to change the dressing.

The whole time, Rae hung her head in shame. Finn's first words since walking in on her spooked her.

"Do we need to go to the hospital?" he asked gruffly.

Rae shook her head. "No."

He cleared his throat and nodded.

"Go lie down in your room, I'll be in in a minute," he said.

"Finn-"

"Go lie down, Rachel," he repeated.

Rae was stunned but she turned and left the bathroom.

Finn was a statue again. The thoughts were raring in his head. His most prevalent thought was a single three letter word: why.

Why did she do it?

Finn struggled to breathe. His heart was pumping wildly in his chest, he thought his ribs were about to burst open and his heart jump out. He tried to calm his breathing as he picked up and wet more paper to clean the floor where it missed the bin bag she put down. As he moved on his hands and knees he noticed small puddles of water where he'd just wiped. He hadn't realized he was crying.

He scolded himself and angrily wiped his face with the back of his arm that was covered in his favorite plaid shirt before he continued to clean the blood. Constantly renewing the paper when the blood and water smeared, he stopped yet again when he took a good look at the bag. There was a puddle of blood. It wasn't a few drops and splashes, it was a puddle.

Three minutes later he was in the kitchen after taking the rubbish out to the bin in the drive. She needed to eat and drink or she'll get light headed. He grabbed a glass of juice and a few biscuits from the cupboard and walked to her room.

She was on her side, her back facing him as he walked into the room, now clad in plaid flannel bottoms and a band tee. He set down the glass and plate of biscuits on her night table before sitting himself on her bed.

"Eat," he said.

Rae turned over and sat up slowly.

He handed her the juice and she was careful to not let their hands touch. Did she hate him now?

Five minutes later neither of them had spoken. Finn soon broke the silence.

"I don't understand," he said weakly.

"Understand what?"

"Why? Have I not told you 'I love you' enough? Did you need to hear it more? Or was I too clingy and needed to keep my trap shut? Have I not been there when you needed me? Did I do or say something wrong? Did you need-"

Rae cut him off. She was now sat beside Finn on the bed and rubbed his back.

"Finn: no," she shook her head seriously. "You didn't do anything wrong. It has nothing to do with you. You have been fantastic. I love hearing you tell me you loved me. One can never hear it too much."

"Love," he corrected quietly before continuing. "Then why?"

"There are just days, Finn, when I cannot handle things. The thoughts get bad, the nightmares haunt me, the depression makes me feel empty, the stress… I had a bad day last week and I relapsed," she was crying now. "I was so ashamed. I'd been clean for so long. I didn't burn, I didn't cut… But I relapsed because of a bad day. I am so pathetic," she said shaking her head sadly and wiping her eyes.

"No," he said. "You are anything but pathetic."

"But Finn, I am. I got so far from all that and I went back to it."

"That doesn't make you pathetic, Rae. It makes you human."

Rae put her hand over her mouth again to try and stop the sobs from escaping. Finn grabbed her other hand and held it tightly, rubbing his thumb soothingly on the top.

There was something else that Finn didn't understand.

"What does cutting do? I don't get how it helps," he said.

Rae laughed humourlessly. "To me, cutting is soothing. When I'm stressed, angry, upset, sad… Kester said: 'It releases the feel-good chemicals.' It doesn't hurt me, though. It doesn't hurt when I shower after. Even with the soap, there's no stinging or burning. It's really not very different than you smoking, Finn."

"Bollocks! Of course it's different," Finn said taken aback.

"Finn, it's really not," she scooted back on the bed so her back was against the wall. "They're addictions. They're hard to quit. They provide you with a momentary escape before you're brought back into reality. We do it for the same reasons. Mine just happens to be cutting myself which causes bleeding and scars. Yes, what I do- _did_ is bad. But I've also been so depressed and deluded that I no longer thought it was wrong. Of course, I know it is. I know that I shouldn't do it but I had brainwashed myself.

"I didn't mean to start cutting again. But on bad days, my head takes over. I find myself searching desperately for a blade so I can calm down. God, I was so desperate I took apart a pencil sharpener."

"So does that mean that last week was your first bad day since you were released?"

"No, I have them all the time. It was just the worst. And I'm so sorry about the last week. I know I've been rude and… I just am so ashamed. Then you come in to find me actually doing it," she scoffed at herself. "I can't believe you're still here."

"Why wouldn't I be here?" he asked reaching for her hand again.

"Why would you want to put up with me? I just fucking told you I relapsed and you walked in on me cutting!" she yelled.

"Because I love you," he said simply. "Rae, I knew about you before we got together. I did before you told me and I did no less after you did."

Rae wiped her eyes again.

"Oh god," Finn exclaimed as a thought burst into his head, "I've been so selfish. Please don't hate me, Rae. I'm so sorry."

"What are you talking about?"

"You've been fucking comforting me the whole time. It should be the other way around!"

"Finn, there's nothing to forgive. I completely understand. And I'm fine. I really am," she said.

"But… your legs. You cut today." Why can't he understand anything today?

"And I'm more upset that you had to see that. I'm ashamed that I relapsed but I'm even more ashamed that you walked in on me doing it and cleaned up after me. I didn't know how to handle relapsing. I didn't know if I should say something to you, if you would be disgusted… I pushed you away. I hoped maybe I could wait until they healed and act as if nothing ever happened."

"I thought you were going to break up with me," Finn told her honestly. "I thought I did something wrong and you hated me."

"No. Definitely not. I just didn't know how to handle it."

They both went quiet; Finn sitting on the side of the bed whilst Rae was still against the wall. Neither of them knew what to say.

Finn wasn't sure whether to be relieved to hear that he wasn't the cause for her pushing him away because he was also heartbroken from her relapsing.

"What can I do to help?" Finn asked.

"Love me," Rae said simply, smiling at him.

"What else?" he wanted answers. He wanted a solution.

"Nothing, Finn. I'm going to see Kester again tomorrow. I'm going to tell him. Dr. Nick will check my legs, Kester and I will figure out what to do… And I start over again. This is me needing go get my head back on straight. It's not your responsibility to fix me because you're my boyfriend.

Finn laid back on the bed, twisting so that his head was above her lap. "Does this hurt?" he asked.

"No," she pushed his head down before taking her hand and brushing it through his hair like he liked so much.

Finn moaned in response causing Rae to laugh before turning serious.

"I'm sorry, Finn," she said quietly.

Finn opened his eyes. "Don't be. Work on getting better. I'll be there every step of the way."

Rae grinned. "Sappy sod."

Finn rolled his eyes and laughed.

"So we're going to ignore it for now?"

"Yeah. Let's not let it ruin our three days of no Mum and Karim. You know, we get the house to ourselves…" she trailed off suggestively.

Finn laughed again. "No hanky-panky tonight. The cuts need to heal a bit or they're going to tear back open."

Rae smiled sweetly. "Thank you for not leaving. For understanding."

"Always," Finn moaned as Rae put her fingers back through his hair.


End file.
